family

be THAT girl who prepares for this moment…

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You have prepared for this moment. You can do hard things if you surrender to your WILL.

Tj Aneca

I began writing this post back in the fall when Ryan was diagnosed with Stage 4 T-Cell Lymphoma but I just couldn’t finish it without turning into a sobbing mess. My thoughts were all over the place and it didn’t feel right , so I paused. The last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about this chapter in Ryan’s story. Friends, there is not a doubt in my mind that we are preparing for certain moments in our lives where our strength will be tested on a scale that we cannot comprehend. Where, we ourselves, will wonder if this is worth the fight. I say this because I have watched my brother, my hero, our warrior, take on the biggest fight of his life. I recall sitting in his bonus room with him, watching a movie as he waited to see what the doctors would say about his diagnosis. To me, he looked a bit lethargic, tired, and stressed. The hardest part was watching him breath. It was so labored! As we chatted about the “what ifs”, I remember him saying, “I don’t care what it is, but if it’s cancer then let’s just get this show on the road and get it done”. From the second he said that, I knew he was prepared for his “moment”. Although his moment was unknown, he had the WILL.

SEPTEMBER 3, 2020

The last few weeks have been a complete whirlwind for our family. Ryan, one of my younger brothers, was diagnosed with Stage 4 T-Cell Lymphoma. Now, I’m not gonna lie, but when I hear cancer my mind goes to a dark place. A scary place. A place where hope doesn’t really exist. I cried…because that’s what I do to release what I’m feeling. I am angry. Angry that it is him. Angry that I can’t fix this. Angry that his family will also have to endure this as well.

My brother, although younger by 15 months, has always been my protector. He’s been more of my big brother for many reasons. I remember him teaching me how to ride a dirt bike when we were teenagers. You see, there was a boy that I was trying to impress, so I asked Ry to show me how to do it. He gave me a quick 2 minute lesson and I was on my way down the dirt road. Of course, I stalled it because I failed to listen to the part where he was trying to tell me to gear down when coming to a stop. So, here I am yelling down the road for Ry to come help me but at that point I was a km away. I could see Ry start to run towards me. As I’m waiting for him in the hot sun, cute boy that I was trying to impress drives by. Yup…complete embarrassment as he stops to ask me if I need help. Of course I say the most logical thing that my brain could think of….”oh no, I’m fine. Just stopped for a minute. I’ll see you down at the lake later” He then drove off as I waited for Ry to rescue me. He’s rescued me on several occasions…probably more than I’d like to admit. He also tried to teach me not to go too fast on gravel roads…ya, I didn’t listen and well, let’s just say that I learned my lesson. I also remember when my Grandma Takahashi passed away and I was having a hard night. I needed to just get in the car and drive. I ended up driving to Ry. I walked in his front door and he just held me as I sobbed. My brother is not an emotional guy or does he share his feelings with anyone but you just know that he loves you and that he would be there to rescue you no questions asked.

SEPTEMBER 6, 2020

I was able to be at the hospital with Ry this evening. I was so nervous. I was worried I would upset him with my tears. I know him and I knew that he would feel bad for me seeing him in the state that he was in. Again, him trying to protect me because that’s what he does. As I approached his room, he was sitting in his recliner with no shirt on and his blanket from home draped over his lap. I could see that he was swollen, way less than the pictures I had seen, but still not his strong physique I was used to. He seemed tired but he was trying to be a good host. I kept reminding him that he could go to sleep if he was tired but he wouldn’t. We had a good laugh when I brought one of our favourite childhood movies with me for us to watch together. “Back to the Beach”. We still knew some of the words to the songs! We laughed at how we used to record all of the music from the VHS to my tape player so we could sing the songs. When it was time to settle for the night I could see his anxiety set in. I had never seen that side of him, which was partly from the medication he was on, but once again, he tried to protect me from witnessing that and told me I could go. Of course I declined because if I could get more time with him then I was going to take it. After he settled and he fell asleep, I left. Leaving was hard. I sat in my car and cried for a while and then made my way home. Thankful for the time I got to spend with him.

JANUARY 29, 2021

Phone Ringing…

“Hello.”

“Teej, it’s Dad. We just got the best news. Ryan’s numbers are climbing!”

This brother of mine is an absolute beast! He is such an inspiration to not only me but to so many other’s. I don’t want to share his journey (plus, it’s far from over) because that is his story to tell but what I can tell you is, that he didn’t know it but he had been preparing for this moment all along. For those of you that know him and have followed his body building chapter, you know that he made a promise to himself to build up his strength and nothing was going to stop him. And believe me, we tried to tempt him just for funsies! But, being the man that he is, he kept that promise to himself and did what he set out to do. I believe THAT core value is why he is still with us today. In one of Brandi’s posts, in the “Raise it for Ry” Facebook group, she shared that on one of the “rocky” days where he wasn’t feeling great at all, he got up and began to ride his stationary bike. She told him that it was okay to rest that day but he replied with, “I made a promise to myself that I would ride everyday and you’re only as good as your word”, so he was getting on that damn bike even if it was a short ride. If we all share that same WILL and DETERMINATION, then we will all be prepared for our moment….whatever that looks like.

“THERE IS NO WEAPON MORE DEADLY THAN THE WILL”

Bruce Lee

For anyone wanting to donate to Ryan and his family at this time, please click on the link below and let’s “Raise it for Ry”!

https://ca.gofundme.com/f/raise-it-for-ry

be THAT girl that doesn’t stress over things she cannot change

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don’t stress yourself out with things you can’t control or change…

Well friends….I don’t know about you but I am still trying to wrap my head around our new normal. I think what is so difficult to process is the fact that this is uncharted territory for everyone. No one really knows how to move forward in the midst of this chaos. That can be a very scary time for all of us. So, here are my thoughts on the whole thing. STAY CALM.

A lot has happened in the last week alone and there is still more change coming. We can choose to lose our damn minds and let our thoughts spiral us into a tailspin of panic and depression OR we can calm the fuck down and process what our new normal is going to look like. I feel like this is the time to settle in…work together as a human race and as indivuduals. We are all in this together. We are more than just ourselves, we are a community that spans the earth. We need to be asking ourselves what we can do for each other. How can we help each other get through this epidemic as best we can? What does that look like to you? We can all play a part in the prevention and spread of this virus.

I read a beautiful statement by Kitty O’Meara that made me really think about how I’m going to handle this situation…..

And the people stayed home. And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art and played games and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.

And the people healed. And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed.

Friends, we cannot change what is happening, but we can sure as hell control our actions moving forward as a human race navigating our new normal. What that looks like is completely up to you. For myself and my family, we will do our part in taking the recommended precautions to help aid in not spreading the virus. We will take this time to connect with each other, to strengthen each other and to support one another. There is strength in UNITY…which begins with U!

be THAT girl who knows she’s a good mama

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it’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking them…

This is gonna be a long one friends so get cozy….

We have raised each of these incredible humans basically the same and they are all so very different. They each came with their own personalities which is what I absolutely love about them. Life would be so boring if we were all the same. Because we are not all the same and none of our kiddos came with a user manual, we are not going to know how to raise them the “right” way. We will make mistakes. We will not always know the answer. But one thing is for sure…we will do our very best!

I remember when Awesome and I were dating and we had the discussion about kids…you know…the one where you decide how many kids you want to have. I only wanted 2 kids. Awesome wanted lots. Almost a deal breaker but I was far too attracted to his hot legs to give a shit so I brushed it off and figured I would get my way regardless cause I am the girl. Haha! Soon after we were married and I wanted to start having babies, I quickly changed my mind on how many littles I actually wanted. I loved the thought of a big family, maybe not as big as his but bigger than mine. I don’t think we were ever set on a specific number we just figured we’d just know. Each one of our babes were planned…well, except one but that ended in a miscarriage. That’s another story for another day. I remember having number 5 and thinking to myself…can I do this again? Let me just say…do not decide that right after you pushed that watermelon out of your pinhole with no drugs.

Now, our number 5 was not an easy baby. In fact, I’m pretty sure I nicknamed him Satan. LOL! He was the worst sleeper EVER!! Picture this, Awesome’s last year of University (his 9th year). I birth a baby. One week later Awesome begins his last year of dental school. I’m up every hour to feed Satan. I have 4 other kiddos that need me all day (Kato had just turned 7, Kami was 5, Mari was 3, Mak was 1 1/2). By the time the hubby got home, I was ready for a nap. I clearly couldn’t keep functioning like this. I was on the verge of a break-down. So, Awesome being his awesome self, he offered to sleep on the couch with Satan every other night so that at least one of us was getting a good night’s sleep and could recharge. Oh….In case you are wondering….I was not nursing. We put a stop to me nursing when I had the first one. It did not work for us. Anyhoo, after about 4 months of “shift work” for us, he finally started to sleep a few hours at a time so we could get back to a “normal” sleeping schedule.

I remember when number 5 was about 3 years old, I begged Awesome for another baby. I knew that we were supposed to have one more. I just never felt complete even though my sleep deprivation could’ve been the one making the decision….who knows. He was a definite “HELL NO!” At about year 7 of bugging him, I finally accepted the fact that we would not adding another little Aneca to the bunch. Plus I started to do the math and figured that I was getting to old to be a mom. Keep in mind, I started at the ripe old age of 22. I was now 36…obviously too old right? (face in palm)

Well, as you all know, number six found his way into our family when I was 39. Ya…a story for another day but just like I knew, we were not complete until our little Daisuke (Dice) joined us. As hard as it all was to wrap our heads around the idea of a baby 10 years later, he has been the biggest blessing we could’ve asked for. He is such a good mix of all of us combined. He is definitely the center of our universe.

We have been through some really significant changes in our home in the last 4 years. We had a baby and left a religion that basically outlined our existence and purpose. No big deal right? LOL! Needless to say, as our family has grown up and moved forward, we have been through some major speed bumps. Through all of this change we have tried to do our very best in parenting our children with a new set of guidelines that we are still navigating. If there is one thing I know, it’s that in every decision and choice we have made, we have done it because we love our crew so fiercely and want them to succeed in life. Are we the perfect parents? NO! Are we fucking up? ABSOLUTELY! Will we continue to make mistakes? YOU KNOW IT! None of us are getting it right…in fact, I would say that it’s basically a crap-shoot.

So mamas….give yourself some grace. Believe that you are doing a good job and keep trying. That’s all you can do. I see you. I understand hard days….trust me I do. I have a teenage adult. I GET IT! I have those days too where I feel like an absolute failure as a mom. I have those days where I wonder where I went wrong. I have those days where I cry and make it about me. But I also have those days when those little shits hug me, text me, write me notes or even just smile at me, where I know I’ve done something right. Relish in those moments. Allow yourself to take some credit for the good things that they do or say. What I’ve learned is that I can’t control their choices but I can control my choices and how I am going to handle each situation that doesn’t go my way. Just like I need them to be patient with me, I need to be patient with them as they make mistakes and grow. Is it painful to watch them do that? ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY!! It has brought me to tears on multiple occasions but I keep going back to the fact that I know I’ve done my very best and that’s all I can do.

No judgement here Mamas! You go this.

P.S. Number 5 is no longer Satan….he is the kindest, sweetest, funny and quiet child ever!

be THAT girl that let’s go of shit that doesn’t matter

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Stop getting upset over things that don’t matter with the people that do matter….

I don’t know about you but I know for myself, I am givin all the gratitudes I can to God to the Universe to whoever I need to, to show my appreciation for these people right here. The people in my life that matter. And in case no one has told you today….YOU ALL MATTER, to me, to your family and hopefully to yourself. I’ll tell ya what… I am holdin these people a little closer with the recent tragedy that has rocked our world. One minute they’re here, the next minute they’re gone. It happens that fast.

Trust me when I say….it is not easy to let shit go. These people right here are my why, they are the one’s that fulfill me the most yet these are the one’s that can hurt me the most because I have so much LOVE for each and every one of them. There are days when I’ve said or done things to them, either on purpose or by mistake, that I regret and wish I could take back and vice versa. But, at the end of the day, what really matters? I’ll tell you what matters…YOUR HUMANS, YOUR PEOPLE. You know, the one’s that you would give your life for…like jump in front of a train for. I’ve really been thinking a lot today about how fast my reality could change if something were to happen to any of my humans. Life can change in an instant friends.

So, keep this in mind when they leave your side in the morning….did you hug them? And not a quick little “routine” hug, I’m talking a big ass bear hug. What is the last thing you said to them before they left? Were you upset at each other? Or did you let them know just how much you love them? Or if you didn’t get to see them off, did you text them to tell them how much you appreciate and love them? If not….DO IT!! I always have the best intentions to do this but some days I definitely fall short because I think I have time. Well…I’m wrong. “We have time” is a lie we tell ourselves so we don’t feel the guilt. The only moment we know we have for sure is right now. Don’t waste it holding grudges and getting upset about shit that doesn’t really matter. Let it go and hold those precious moments close with your people. THAT, you will never regret.